, ZKX for life......anyways that leads me up to last Sunday, my frank the tank day. I'm currently looking to re-model my apartment, you know the basics floor, paint, furniture, etc with the help of the lovely Miss Musings, who without her I probably "still be living in a cave" as would all men in that most of us are pretty content with a nice couch and a big TV, I'm finding that woman help you color in the lines, they just make it work.
Low and behold the more I start talking about this with M.M. the more I see her excitement start to build, I get random I.M.'s with her suggestions, phone calls, texts, faxes, UPS deliveries of blueprints, etc. It amazes me how exciting the thought of re-decoration is with not only her, but with all women. They truly love creating "cuteness" and us men just sit there and go yes dear until we are living in a truly "organized" apartment.
As for this past weekend our journey began, we headed out to go shopping and by the time I got to the last store and was watching M.M. run frantically around the store, I began to turn into a 5 year old walking around aimlessly playing with the mannequins boobs, stomping around, and basically on the verge of crying I began to have flashbacks of shopping with my mother as a kid and the second thing began to happen I began to question my girlfriend's sanity. After spending 40$ on a grey tissue box to match my bathroom when I don't use tissues ever and trying to figure out what towels to buy when if I'm desperate I would just use a newspaper I really began to wonder if I had to bypass my apartment head up First Avenue and go straight to Bellevue.
Now after discussing this with fellow male members my story is eerily similar and we all came to the same conclusion, I'm not alone women in general are absolutely nuts. I began to think, something I really love to do from time to time to figure out what about interior decorating gets women so excited and makes us so blah about it. What is it that tickles their fancy? Is there something that we do that we love that make them question our sanity? Do they call up their friends and say I can't believe TP, Mike, and Joe are still talking about that?
So as I sat around in deep thought questioning woman's sanity(I've now realized it's not just M.M., it's all of them) it dawned on me there is something that is just like Interior decorating for woman.........It's none other than Fantasy Football!!
Below I'll try to compare and contrast the two to show everyone my point that you know what maybe woman aren't that crazy, maybe we are all a little bit crazy.......
The Little Things....
I.D.-- Looking for hours for the perfectly matched tissue box for the bathroom to make the bathroom look cute
F.F.-- Spending hours trying to come up with the perfect team name to abuse the guy you least like in the league's mother/sister/girlfriend/wife, it just makes your team that much better
The Oracle....
I.D. Spending hours talking to guys like Omar in Home Depot about the pricing and designs of floors, then talking to Bob at Empire, then talking to Jim at Fox Floors all to compare and contrast prices and styles for your new flooring plans
F.F. Going to the newsstand buying 10 different magazines to compare and contrast future statistics of certain NFL players, both have different estimates and expectations
Vanity.....
I.D.-- After a woman is done with decorating she will spend hours/days/weeks/months admiring her body of work. She will spend countless hours talking to her friends and co-workers about how "Amazing" the newly decorated place is and how she had the ability to maneuver this using her interior decorating talents.
F.F.-- Once a draft is done and you look at your roster, you're amazed by how smart you are. You sit there like a proud father staring down at your team expectations are running wild in your head. You spend the next few hours/days/weeks/months calling all of your friends/co-workers etc. telling them how great you are for putting together this amazing team and how you can't wait till the season kicks off.
Foresight.....
I.D. -- The ability to sit there and know that a certain piece of furniture will look better in another room or a product will only last for a few years
F.F. -- The ability to sit there and know how well a certain individual will do in a new offense and being able to look at bye weeks later on and know not to draft two running backs with the same bye week.
The Draft....
I.D.-- This is the frank the tank day, excitement is there as you get to pick out all your favorite products and you get to assemble your apartment/house
F.F.-- This is draft day you sit around, pick all your favorite players as you get to assemble you're team...
****Both of these cost $$$ in dues and in products*****
Quality....
I.D.-- Woman have been there done that, they know what product is good and what will last for a long time. They will never go cheap and go for the band-aid solutions
F.F.-- We know what works, we know Peyton Manning is always good for 20 points, we know a Denver RB will always be good, and somehow Pittsburgh's D is always a top 5 pick
The Tease......
I.D.- this is opposite of quality, these are the teaser K-Mart specials that you can get a huge couch for 299$ or a big computer desk at a blow out sale for 99$ , at first it's a great idea but then after a month the couch and desk literally fall apart
F.F.-- Same concept it's the fifth round you need an extra RB and you see that Fred Taylor is still around, such promise(price) but yet every year always disappoints with a groin injury
Involvement.....
I.D.--this is something I mentioned before, this is like M.M. spending an hour in Bed Bath and Beyond looking for that perfect shower head.
F.F.-- This is men spending hours at work pouring over previous years stats, projected stats, game match ups, reading SI.Com, ESPN.Com, etc all in order to make sure we are all well prepared for battle
Devastation.....
I.D.-- You pick out the perfect product it gets installed it costs a lot of $$$ and then boom there's a crack in the molding or the carpets that you bought at a close out sale comes to your house damaged... just strictly a devastating day
F.F.-- Drafting Brady with the first pick last year and seeing his knee blow out 5 minutes into the first game of the season......hard to recover
Outside Interference....
I.D.-- you have an idea in your head of what you want to do and then all of a sudden a friend/family member etc. is in your head telling you not to do that to do something else, all of a sudden you being questioning yourself
F.F.-- at the draft you want player x and he gets drafted before you go, now you're disheveled and a complete mess and end up picking someone you don't want or when someone mentions a player on your favorite team is still available and you end up taking him and end up regretting it later on
The Staples......
I.D. --Its having the painter come over and give you a fresh coat and get you started to build around the walls
F.F.-- It's drafting a QB/RB in the first round and molding your team around said player.
The Bargain.....
I.D.-- This is a woman going into Marshall's and picking up the most adorable desk lamp on sale for $99.00
F.F.- Drafting that rookie in the 8Th round who ends up as the next Barry Sanders and you ride him to a championship
The Slight Imperfection....
I.D.--This is M.M. spending an hour looking at my shower curtain and looking visibly upset because it wasn't two inches longer and then spending the next day trying to get me to blow up the bathroom to make the curtain go lower
F.F. -This is looking at your great team and then looking at your kicker and/or defense and just going hmmm I don't like this player and spending an inordinate amount of time on the waiver wire because you might get one player who might get you that extra two points
Unexpected Cost.....
I.D.-- This is having an estimate in your head and then getting completely blown out of the water price wise because of some slight thing that needs to be taken care of professionally and will end up costing you and extra $2,000 because of something like the bathroom is too small or there's old vinyl tile under the carpet..
F.F.--This could be something like drafting a receiver on a team who's all pro quarterback gets injured and now they are more of a running team. It's completely unexpected, nothing is wrong with the player just something unexpected happened that will affect that player
Too much of something is a bad thing.....
I.D.-- It's like having one color streamed across your apartment, somehow you need to mix and match colors to give it the oh so good look.
F.F.-- It's like drafting too many players on the same team, they all share the bye week , they all share the ups and downs of that team, it's the equivalent of putting all your eggs in one basket
The other sex.....
I.D. Basically we can sit there amazed at times about the attention to detail, how one can be so amazed at the woman spending hours deciding what is the best soap product to buy. By the fourth store of the day us men begin to wonder if you girls are really human and begin to openly complain, bitch, moan and revert back to our 5 year old selves
F.F.-- Women begin to question us when we are on the phone for an hour with our buddy from California about what second wide reciever to start in week 9 comparing and contrasting all different angles of that spot in out lineup. By week 9 women begin to openly complain and begin to question us a person, us as a relationship, and us as a race.
Throwing it out there.....
Male interior decorators are the equivalent of woman who do fantasy football.....they may or may not be but you begin to question it sometimes why that gender knows too much into each areas.
Bottom Line
In both I.D. and F.F. it seems that us as humans have this innate ability to love to create things and admire our creation forever. Whether it be fantasy football and us spending a ridiculous amount of times pouring over our "team" of players who get us "points" or whether women spend a ridiculous amount of time pouring over the perfect color of the soap bar dish each one of us have to sit there and just accept our certain levels of craziness........
P.S.
A special shout out to the lovely M.M. who slowly but surely is actually transforming my lair into something that I can actually live in and have guests over who will make references to how lovely the stand above my toilet bowl looks and how nice my toaster looks in the corner.....Thank you babe for guiding me through the aisles ofBed Bath and Beyond.....xoxo
On that note , time to go hang with my pops who's making a special visit over my lair to hang tonight due to the inclement weather in NYC tonight
T.P.
