TP, God, and Sundays

So with the summer winding down and heading into the fall it brings me into my favorite season for a myriad of reasons, the weathers cooled down, the leaves are changing color, and of course FOOOTBALL.......So with that being the case there's nothing I love more than a Sunday afternoon, I am with someone now we shall call her Miss musings or M.M. for short. M.M. is a great girl in every which way but just can't understand the sheer laziness of my Sundays. I try to explain to her that I'm religious and who better to emulate than God, I mean if you're going to emulate someone why not him....doesn't it say on the 7th day the Lord Resteth? Anyways God is a great guy he sent his Jesus down here to sacrifice himself for us and possibly give us fantasy football, I have a hunch he might have because fantasy football is a divine creation.....anyways I don't necessarily fashion myself that religious of a person, I'm more like an out of town relative who goes to Church in the same way people from out of town come to visit....holidays and special occasions.....but I am a follower of his teachings and principles and I do enjoy kicking back on Sunday and being and resting like the Good lord intended.......so without further ado here's a rundown of a typical Sunday like JC and the lord meant it to be.....

Running Diary Token Sunday

9:00 am wake up, look around realize it's only 9 am go back to bed......

10:00 am can't sleep anymore, have a little bit of a hangover from being "dizzy" the night before I begin to walk around the apartment, shower up, throw my most comfortable clothes on, go to the couch

10:15 am- there's something on TNT/TBS which I've seen a million times and I continue to be sucked in to watching it for the million and 1Th time

10:30 am - I switch to the other side of the couch....I am now more comfortable

10:45 am- start getting bored with Road Trip, start watching Entourage on Demand, I wish I was there....

11:00 am- M.M. calls me to say hi T, and to see what I'm up to, I say not too much, she replies back with so you plan on just sitting there all day? I respond with a maybe we shall see, M.M. responds with a very loud UGGHHH....

11:30 am ESPN is on and they are doing the whole Sunday montage of all the games, doing analysis and I am very giddy to say the least

12:00 pm I'm getting hungry, I call up the diner have food delivered, I'm now very happy and anticipating food, always brings a smile to my face

12:30 pm Food arrives, I eat I go back to curling on my couch and watch the last 20 minutes of some bad Jean Claude Van Damme movie....life is good

1 pm: Kickoff time!!! I'm giddy with happiness!! The Giants are on, the air is crisp, I'm in my happy place.....M.M. senses my happiness and calls me To wonder if I still haven't moved, I respond I have moved to a different part of the couch, she responds with a you're ridiculous....and hangs up

130 pm: the food is kicking in, plus the events of the previous night have made me tired so I begin to doze off........

2pm still sleeping

215 still sleeping.....

230 phone rings.....I ignore it.....

3:00 pm I wake back up the Giants are winning by 24, I'm happy, I fall back asleep.....

4:00 pm I'm now up and I see M.M. has called me twice now, I call her back she tells me about this fabulous dress she just got and how it looks perfect on her, I respond back with a " really, that's great", she senses I'm not paying attention and tells me she's leaving me for a Japanese exchange student at her company, I respond back with a "really, that's great"

4:30 pm I'm now in the first quarter of the Jets game, watching Favre in a Jet uniform is still a weird site....Also at this point I'm checking my fantasy scores

545 pm Halftime --I call up M.M. to say what's up, she says we're not together, I go "huh", she goes I left you for Toshi, laughs then hangs up....I'm confused but Michael Strahan is describing the Jets pass rush in detail, I am now enamored by that....and I forget everything about Toshi

7:00 pm All games over, I am now watching ESPN to see highlights of all the games

8pm-10 pm I'm now watching Fox's Sunday's night lineup, I receive a text from M.M. saying "just joking about before, are you still in the same spot" , I write back "what are you talking about?, and yes I am" , I receive back an "Ugh

10pm--Entourage Time, I spend 30 minutes trying to figure out why girls like Jeremy Piven, and wishing I was Vince......lot of deep thoughts

11 pm I talk to M.M. , she tells me she's using the Get out of football card on me next weekend, I reluctantly agree.....we laugh, I go to bed....

12am I am now sleeping it s been a good day



Now little does M.M. know but the baseball playoffs are coming around the bend, and well I mean the Mets are looking good ;) ..........so here's to Football, Fantasy Football, God, rest, and M.M........;)


I'm out everyone have a good weekend

TP

How To Be A Good House Wife 1954 vs. 2008

So yesterday I'm doing my general daily duties at work when K sends me this hysterical thing taken from a Home Economics text book back from 1954 on How To Be A Good Wife......I took 5 minutes to read it yesterday and it was utterly hysterical. as you will all see, in the last 50 plus years the role of a woman has completely changed, so much that reading this made me burst out laughing. when I think of every woman I have known in my life whether it be my mother, my sister, cousins, girlfriends, friends... the thought of them following this textbook is laughable, it is so unintentionally funny, I had to write up a blog about it. It also made me wonder if giving them the right to vote was such a good idea, I mean 1954 seemed like such a great time, where's my Delorean??

Last night, after a great night of TV, yes... 90210 is back and yet somehow I'm the only person who's really into it......I re-read this lesson from 1954 and with a few ideas in mind I came up with my own lesson for a 2008 Home Economics textbook. I think I have a pretty good idea of what woman in the domicile look at things in present day, maybe I'm jaded, I don't know....without further ado ...

How To Be A Good Wife Circa 1954 vs. The 2008 Wife.

By TP

1954
Have dinner ready. Plan ahead, even the night before, to have a delicious meal, on time. This is a way of letting him know that you have been thinking about him and are concerned about his needs. Most men are hungry when they come home and the prospect of a good meal are part of the warm welcome needed.
2008
You're on a diet, busy all day shopping, watching Oprah and other pre-requisite talk shows..... although his needs come second after your stressful day, attempt to put out a bowl of Cheerios, a spoon and even some milk to show him that in fact you do care a little. Explain to him you recognize that most men appreciate a nice warm meal but why spoil him and make him chubby when your starving yourself to look hot.......you see the whole meal thing completely unnecessary and remind him that if he's hungry, it's would be a good idea for him to pick up the Chicken Marsala from Don Pepe's because its on his way home.... why should you be bothered if it's along his route.

1954
Prepare yourself. Take 15 minutes to rest so that you'll be refreshed when he arrives. Touch up your makeup, put a ribbon in your hair and be fresh-looking. He has just been with a lot of work-weary people. Be a little gay and a little more interesting. His boring day may need a lift.
2008
Before he comes home make sure to remove all makeup and change from anything remotely sexy. Oversized sweatpants and hoodie will suffice. He probably has had a long boring day and remember that its not your problem nor do you want to bothered listening to him complain about work stuff....to avoid such conversations remind me that he now gets to see you and he should stop talking about work. When asked how your day was make sure to complain about all attractive friends and highlight all their newly found flaws..... if you praise any girlfriend this would only get your husbands perverted mind thinking about you, him, and said friend.

1954
Clear away the clutter. Make one last trip through the main part of the home just before your husband arrives, gather up schoolbooks, toys, paper, etc. Then run a dust cloth over the tables. Your husband will feel he has reached a haven of rest and order, and it will give you a lift, too.
2008
Make sure that (insert illegal immigrant maid's name) cleans the entire house and remind your husband not to f*** anything up when he walks in the door.

1954

Prepare the children. Take a few minutes to wash the children's hands and faces (if they are small), comb their hair, and if necessary change their clothes. They are little treasures and he would like to see them playing the part.

2008

Make sure the children look their best always. Cost is no object. So what if baby Ugg boots and Juicy outfits that they will only be able to wear for 2 weeks before out growing them cost upwards of $200.00...... When your husbands complains explain to him how if he didn't want the cutest kids in the neighborhood he should have married (insert ugliest ex-girlfriend of his name here) and pout for the rest of the night.

1954

Minimize all noise. At the time of his arrival, eliminate all noise of the washer, dryer, dishwasher, or vacuum. Try to encourage the children to be quiet. Be happy to see him. Greet him with a warm smile and be glad he is home.
2008

Make sure (insert illegal immigrant maid's name) follows your husband around and cleans up after him when he starts to f*** up your perfectly organized house....Greet him with a why are you so late? Why didn't you text me you were stopping for Don Pepe's for Chicken Marsala? And remind him this is the last night you will be preparing cheerios for him. ever.

The DONT'S of 1954:

Don't greet him with problems or complaints. Don't complain if he is late for dinner. Count this as minor compared with what he might have gone through that day. Make him comfortable. Have him lean back in a comfortable chair or suggest he lie down in the bedroom. Have a cool or warm drink ready for him. Arrange his pillow and offer to take off his shoes. Speak in a low, soft, soothing and pleasant voice. Allow him to relax and unwind.
2008

Greet him and start immediately complaining that his busy day wouldn't allow him respond to your "don't you think we should go on vacation?" text from you.....Making him comfortable is unnecessary, point out that (insert illegal immigrant maid name) has been slaving around the house all day cleaning and he can not sit on the furniture in the living room, that furniture is for show....point out the folding chair in the garage is as, if not more comfortable. Once settled in make sure to use the nagging voice you have perfected and started complaining about how the chubby fake blond neighbor across the street just got a nicer car than you and how we need an upgrade even though our lease is up in 3 years......make him as tense as possible.

1954

Listen to him. You may have a dozen things to tell him, but the moment of his arrival is not the time. Let him talk first.
2008

When he starts discussing irrelevant things ie: fantasy football, baseball, work... interrupt him immediately and remind him its 2008....blog about it.

1954

Make the evening his. Never complain if he does not take you out to dinner or to other places of entertainment. Instead, try to understand his world of strain and pressure, his need to be home and relax.

2008

Insist that he take you out to dinner at least once a week and the movie of your choice always...If he disagrees remind inform him that tomorrow you will be out of contact for a while cause you will be shopping for new bags and shoes for the upcoming season. Then watch while he enjoys your dinner and movie.

The Goal of 1954:

Try to make your home a place of peace and order where your husband can renew himself in body and spirit.
2008

Try to train him like a dog, so that even the slightest compliment will make him happy. And if he ever questions you about anything remind him with a smile that if he wanted a mediocre wife he should married (insert ex-gf name once again)

P.S. This is all a JOKE (some of it) I wrote this very facetiously. I do realize that in 2008 you're just as tired as us, you have the same BS commute, the same struggles during the day and you want someone home to give you your slippers and paper........I felt the need to write up a satire on how the world has changed in the last 50 years by doing some comparing and contrasting.......on that note time for lunch ........

TP