The 4 levels of Red Bull and Vodka

Friday night me and the boys packed up the Civic and headed on down to Atlantic City., between my column about A.C. and my buddy Tommy talking me into heading down for a night of debauchery, I decided I was game. Since it was a Friday that we were heading down, it's usually a little bit tougher for me to keep my game face on due to getting up early for a work day and the general strain of the week. Some people turn to coffee, I turn to RB and V. Now my other friend Ray, his drug of choice is also RB and V and when the two of us get together for a night out on the town with RB & V, crazy, unusual things happen......so on that note I figure I describe to you the 4 levels of RB and V through the eyes of a friday night out with DJ AM.........

LEVEL 1 (1-2 RBV)- So we finally arrive at our destination spot and with Tommy's hookup we end up getting comped a room at Caesars, it's amazing what a pair of suspenders and a business card can do, the room is great, it actually had one of the more interesting inventions I have ever seen, it had a TV in the bathroom, but the TV was in the vanity mirror on the bottom right side, are we at the point of human civilization where we need to be watching Baseball Tonight while brushing our teeth? We have way too many options according to me.....anyways on the way down I popped down two Red Bulls sans Vodka(I was driving) just to give me some energy, so at this point of the night I got a little jolt going. After waiting a half hour in line at Murmer and after repeatedly failed attempts by Tommy to use the business card/suspender approach we finally got our own little VIP section with a bottle of vodka and of course RB, Soda, and Cranberry......This is where the night begins, so now that we are situated we have our bottle, we have our area, we have our own personal security guard Ryan and we have 4 guys from Brooklyn hanging to the right side. Level 1 begins with a little toast , a small cheers to kick the night off, Level 1 is pretty boring but you slowly start to get a little buzz & a little energy going. After the first drink, you begin to open up a little bit, jokes start to flow , and everyone is feeling good, also at this point of the night I still have my glasses on and my shirt is still buttoned up......At the point we are in the middle of Level 1 and we are 3 dopes still sitting on the couch with our heads bopping up and down.......after the 2nd RB And V we move right on into LEVEL 2

LEVEL 2-(3-5 RBV, Shot of Patron) - I have now moved beyond Level 1, and i'm feeling fine, my buddy Thomas has now ordered us a round of Patron shots which shoots me well into Level 2, now at this point of the night, I begin to venture around check out what's going on out there, I do what's known as a "lap". After I come back and give the boys the thumbs up to indicate it's a good scene out there, Tommy goes on his tour of duty and checks everything out also and concurs with my assessment, this point of RBV is also the point where I become friendly Tommy, I'm now talking to our neighbors from Brooklyn, the one guy I'm talking about is mentioning something about the Mets, I'm nodding in agreement but at this point the RBV is taking over and I keep losing him on every third word, so I go into my smile and nod routine, throwing out a lot of uh- huh's. Now at this point of the night the smart thing to do is switch up your drink, enough Red-Bull can get a horse wired up let alone me, but do I do that hell no I continue.........

Level 3- (5-7 RBV) - Now at this point the glasses are off, the buttons are lower on my shirt(where are you Erin Muller?), and I feel like I should be in an UnderArmour commercial screaming we must protect this house@! I'm completely wired and I notice I'm tapping my inner Travolta and actually dancing. Now at this point of the night is when crazy things start to happen not just for me but for everyone near us, for some reason a clone of Brendan(college friend) is hanging out with us drinking straight from a bottle of Vodka, the guy at the table next to us is pouring Patron onto his upside down glass, Im telling you weird shit happens when you drink Red Bull and Vodka, it seems everyone around you is also in hyper mode. So now I have 3 buttons down, glasses are off, and I realize we need to start hanging out with a couple of girls.....so I happen to notice a bachelorette party around us and even though I can't see more than a foot in front of me I could have sworn the short brunette girl was looking at me, so I took a leap of faith and went to hang out with the bachelorettes......next thing you know us 3 idiots are hanging out with 9 girls from Dover, Deleware taking lots of pictures, dancing, shooting the shit, etc. I've learned 3 things about Deleware that night from the girl next to me when I asked her what is there to do in Deleware? 1) they smoke a lot of pot, 2) they drink a lot of beer and 3) the third thing wasn't from her but from Ray who discovered half of them we're pregnant and barely showing, but still pregnant and out listening to DJ AM, which led to my buddy Ray looking at me in a half confused look( he was on Level 3 also), and saying" why are all these pregnant girls running around Murmur??? " Between that and the pothead athletic girl, it made me decide that hanging with them was just not a good idea, so I decided to skip out of little area, pit stop in the bathroom, and circle around till Deleware left our area.......When I come back Tommy who's also been drinking RB&V looks like Vince Vaughn in Wedding Crashers dancing to shout, basically dancing with every girl within a 2 foot vicinity of him.......now at this point personally , I'm definitely buzzed, my mind's fuzzy, and my heart's racing like a 500 lb man walking up a flight of stairs and I realize that at this point I should definitely slow down, but I continue foolishly...........

LEVEL 4 - (8-10 RBV) -- You never want to get to this point of the night, this point of the night I'm wide awake and I have been up for 22 hours, heart's racing, and I completely lose my game because I'm literally stumbling around. At this point of the night I feel that it's a good idea to go play cards.....I'm hanging out with Ray playing blackjack, and the table is hot, just a lot of good vibe going on there, the girl next to me who has Mr. Ed's gums is somehow looking remotely attractive for some reason, but the whole key to everything is that we are playing as one, it's probably the most fun I ever had playing BlackJack. Now because i'm at Level 4 I cant sit still and I'm jittery as all hell, I decide being up 50$ to head on over and to play Roulette, I run into another guy who I hate in A.C., the guy on the table who's spot you better not take on the table, you know the guy, the person who gets way to excited winning 10$ on red and gets mad because you're to close to his area......ugh I hate this guy, but I digress anyways I proceed to drop 200$ playing 1,3,13,24,36, the numbers to the right of 00 (I think) and I head back to play more BlackJack before completely getting wiped out.........anyways weird shit happens at 5 am at Level 4, things like random people driving 2 hours in the middle of the night to see your buddy, things like I know my mind and body are tired but for some reason I'm wide awake, basically playing let's beat the night, all I really want to do is sleep but it's just not happening because the "TV" was way too loud in the bathroom and for some reason I couldn't physically move to shut it off.......Level 4 will do that to you, you feel like you can do stuff but it's not physically going to happen so you're stuck being up and walking out 9 am to get breakfast and when that sunlight hits you in the face it's like God's way of saying TP, you shouldn't have done that!.......anyways moving on to the afterwards

The Afterward- Its now noon, I maybe have slept an hour all night and I'm staring at a 3 hr drive home yet I'm still up......We spend the first hour basically going back and forth with could you believe this happened.... , till one by one we conked........Tommy crashed within 45 minutes, Ray was up, but just wasn't there and I personally was a complete zombie with my car on cruise control rocking at 70........need less to say my body felt like I've had an out of body experience, I just felt tired and awake at the same time......RB&V will do that to you.........I'm still waiting for the FDA to figure out that this can't be legal, sort of like absynthe is illegal here......To wrap up I would do it again in a heartbeat that's if my heart can stand it............................on that note work beckons shortly I need to hit the sack.........

TP

10 Ways to Save the Knicks

Tonight is the NBA draft, I don't know why but it's one of my favorite nights of the year, I love drafts I don't know why, something about starting fresh maybe, new hope, new players, seeing 19 year old kids becoming multi-millionaires with the call of their name, something about watching this is better than any reality TV show out there and this is why tonight I'm going to be glued to my TV eagerly anticipating my Knicks picking at number 6. It's time for a new re-birth, a new start because being a fan of the Knicks since I was 10 I feel like I'm trapped in a bad Irish Catholic marriage, in that I hate my wife but my religion won't let me leave her. The great Knicks teams were boring as anything to watch, but we loved them, I feel like every team needs an Oakley or a Mason, hell I even remember that Go NY, Go NY song from the early 90's when the Knicks were playing for the championship. Ever since the strike shortened 98-99 season when the Knicks rode Sprewell's back all the way to the championship before falling short to the Spurs. Ever since that heroic effort it's been one calamity after another, basically digging themselves out of a hole since the Ewing trade which slowly set them free falling into salary cap hell..........Now being a long suffering Knick fan, I've been thinking how the hell do we get out this mess? When does it end? When do we become good again?. After many months I have come to a conclusion about how to get the Knicks back on track, get the ship out of the ice and moving again, and also how to get their fans back to watching them............so without further ado here's a list of 10 ways to save the Knicks.........

1) DO ABSOLUTELY NOTHING!!-- The best way to get this franchise turned around is to let the salaries come off, build through the draft, and get under the cap by 2010 just in time for Lebron to be a free agent. The Knicks are presently about 35 million over the cap, and won't be under the cap till 2010/2011, they have no tradeable assets that anyone really wants except for Lee, so their only option is to sit back and get under the cap. Playing in NY is a big enough draw for any free agent, so if I ran the team I would preach patience, stick with the kids, suffer for a little bit, and then like a perfect storm put it all together in a few years.

2) DON'T TRADE DAVID LEE- I keep hearing rumors with this guy's name in it, I can only hope and pray that they don't trade him. He's probably the only reason Knick fans actually watch the Knicks, I know it's the only reason I do. He's the only guy on the court who actually looks like he gives a crap and he comes at a relatively cheap bargain, going back to first thing do absolutely nothing, play him more and keep your fan base happy......I really hope we don't trade him and someone else for someone who averages 17 ppg but is making 12 mill a year for the next 5 years.......Patience

3) DON'T TRADE MARBURY- Starbury has one year left on his contract, granted its for 22 million, but it's still one year......expiring contracts are the greatest thing in basketball, everyone wants them, a common Knick move would be trading this contract for someone like Kenyon Martin and change because they need to "bolster" their front court for an extra 5 years of salary cap hell. Like I keep preaching in this column and it should be a recurring them for the next two years Patience........also you can still get something out of Coney Island's finest.......

4) DRAFT SMART- We're looking for team leaders, guys who come from cultures of winning, programs that produce quality players........we want to change the culture, new coach, new players, etc........Lord help me if they draft Galinarri from Italy, I mean come on seriously I have never ever seen an Italian who can play basketball, I'm Italian i'm short and my goal in basketball is touching the net.........I just can't imagine this guy being any good, plus how many busts not named Nowitzki have come from the Euro zone region??? Can we please draft American, names I like Westbrook, Bayless, and Love(I actually think Love can be big)

5) No more mid level exceptions for 7 footers- This is directed right at you Jerome James, I'm not a big fan of 7 footers who can't play, and who just sit their and collect 6.5 million a year for the next 3 years.........UGH

6) Nutrisystem- This means you Eddy Curry/Zack Randolph, we need to get you two slimmed down , lean and mean......either that or have them fight to the death and the winner gets to start alongside Lee...........It agitates me that we are paying 30 million a year for two big man who can't get off the ground........plus I always worry Randolph is close enough to being crazy were he can pull an Artest at any moment, speaking of Artest DO NOT trade for him, just a huge NG.......

7) Isiah- We already did the right thing and got rid of him as coach, huge step in the right direction, but he's still lingering, he still has the ability to corrupt a team like no other, he's like the mole in CTU on 24, he's around and he's going to fuck something up by leaking stuff.....This guy is the human mush, everything he's touched has fallen apart--CBA, Toronto, NYK, if I had this guy''s resume in my field I would be outside next to Hank the Homeless guy begging people for $$.

8) Fans- It's about time the Knicks show some love to their fans, we pay waaaaaaaaay too much money to go to these games, how about a little return on our investments besides a t-shirt being shot through a cannon............here's an idea I've been tinkering with how bout during halftime of each game one lucky fan gets to play a game of 1 on 1 to 5 versus Jerome James for his game's paycheck, I mean it works perfect, J.J. doesn't play so it's not like he'll be tired, I don't see him much as a RAH-RAH guy on the bench, he's basically 84 inches sitting in a chair making 6 million a year, why not spice it up a little bit? Wouldn't this be the best part of a game in which the Knicks are losing to Boston by 25, I don't know just a thought

9) Kidnap Dolan- If the Knicks even get a whif of getting close to the playoffs, someone needs to kidnap and hold him hostage till May, if one thing could screw up patience it's this guy pressuring Donnie Walsh to make a trade or do something assanine to ruin us long term for a short term playoff run with us in the 8th seed...........

10) Rucker Park- Now this is my favorite idea and also such a genius idea it makes me believe that I should be working for television, my idea is in the summer they hold a contest on the MSG network at the famed Rucker Park, think along the lines of American Idol, we get 12 NYC ballplayers and have them compete in different contests, 1 on 1 , 5 on 5 full court games, halfcourt drills, dunk contests, etc......We start this contest in the first week of June and every week one person gets voted off till you get to the final 2. Once you get to the final 2 they play a one on one game to 21, the winner makes the Knicks as 12th man and gets a guaranteed 1 year contract. Now not only would it be a hometown guy who has to work his ass off to make the team, fans would genuinely be interested in him, they would root for him to get in for the last 4 minutes of a blowout......plus Dolan owns MSG, I can see this being a blockbuster for his TV network, we can even have Walt Clyde doing the announcing...........I'm giddy with all the different possibilities..................

So as I'm sitting around tonight waiting and hoping for the Knicks to do the right thing only to be crushed by this proposed rumor Lee and the 6th to portland for Jack, 13, and 27 actually happening, I can only hope and pray we just preach patience so that by the time I'm 30 I can actually be happy in a winning environment, so I hope someone who reads this might know someone in the Knicks brass and actually passes along my ideas, granted im just one Knick fan, but I can dare to dream...........

TP

the DO NOT'S of going to a strip club

In my last blog I touched on a seedy, vice laden subject known as Atlantic City, so I figured I use this post to talk about strip clubs and what NOT TO do in them. Now like I said in the last column, I've gotten to the point where I have had many experiences, I've done the night out with clients at the strip club, I've done the it's Saturday night we're a bunch of losers lets pay to see surgically altered breasts sway from side to side because we have no other options, I've done the bachelor parties were I've been told I look like Ben Affleck, those who know me know that definitely is not the case. So needless to say at 28(29 in August) I have had some experience in this area of nightlife.....Now by no means do I consider myself an expert, truth is I haven't been to one of these places in many, many, moons, but I feel like Ive learned a thing or two and maybe I can impart some of my wisdom onto some of my younger male readers........so without further ado, here's a little list of DO NOT'S in a strip club..........

My First DO NOT's have to deal in regards to financial matters, I've learned after many years that nothing, I repeat nothing is worse than waking up the next morning, or could even be as early as that night and coming to the realization that you just wasted a whole lot of money on some stripper named Mercedes....So here are some quick hit DO NOT's when it comes to a strip club, DO NOT bring out more than $500, DO NOT bring in your ATM card, bringing your ATM card can only lead you to being weak and taking out more money, bad idea, and its an even worse idea when you have to pay a $10 fee on every $100 taken out, its amazing how desperate we can become when there's a scantily clad lady standing next to you, here's an important one DO NOT drop the company's payroll in a strip club, nothing is worse than trying to explain to your bosses how you dropped $100,000 in Scores, not only does it show that you're weak with money, but you're also pretty pathetic(I believe this actually happened to some guy), and last but not least DO NOT buy stripper bucks with your credit card, its just another way for them to rip you off...............

For my second DO NOT is do not fall in love, it's so sad to see this happen to some loser, he goes to a strip club and really believes Mandy, the tall, well endowed brunette is digging him because she called him sweetie after he tipped her 20$, men we must realize this is a fantasy and to act accordingly(explanation forthcoming), now it has happened to all of us, at some point we actually believed that our talented dancing friend has some interest in us, until some guy with a larger wallet two seats over gets her attention and then our hopes and our dreams are crushed of marrying Mandy, moving into a house with a white picket fence and having little stripper kids are dashed, but I digress, there's about a .01 % chance of getting lucky, it does happen every now and again were a guy gets lucky and gets a number or more, but those events are few and far in between, so to reiterate do not fall in love!!

My third DO NOT is do not sit next to the stage, this is just a sucker area, be prepared to hand out many dollar bills, for some reason us guys feel that these seats are like sitting behind home plate at a Yankee game but you live and you learn making it rain is only cool for about a minute and then you're broke again!!

My fourth DO NOT is do not pick up your cell phone in a club, you're already with your other loser buddies trying to catch a cheap thrill, keep it in your own little circle, no need to let anyone else know that you have to pay to see breasts, ALL PHONES OFF!!

My fifth DO NOT is geared to the married/lives with his girlfriend man, do not forget to wash off the bad perfume and glitter off your clothes/body, this rule comes in big when you're significant other thinks your at choir practice for the night. One thing I figured out is that women have a sixth sense when other woman have been around their man, a matter of fact I had a former girlfriend point out exactly who I had hooked up with around a group of friends the next day because she dreamt it, I'm telling you they know ALL when it comes to crap like that, so make sure before you come home to do a quick check, maybe stop out for some smelly food to mask the smell and make sure you check for glitter, this is big to avoid all potential arguments over why you don't feel she's attractive enough.......moving on.......

My sixth DO NOT is do not use your real name, now in an earlier paragraph I stated to act accordingly, do so, remember this is a fantasy, she's really not that into you, her name really isn't Misty, it's Helen so play along with it. If Misty says "so what's your name?" Don't reply back with a Harry, Mike, or Tom be creative tell them your name is Maximus or Sonic, I don't know make some shit up, if they aren't going to make up theirs why tell them yours.

My seventh and final DO NOT has to do with your profession. Now this is my favorite past time in a strip club, it's when Misty is asking me what I do, I love to just come up with the most creative job possible, because nothing is worse than trying to explain what I do to a girl in a way too tight dress......So I urge all of you do not tell them you're an accountant , do not say you're a Math Teacher, make shit up........examples I can give you are tell them you Invented the Tic-Tac, tell them you teach retarded dolphins how to swim, or tell them you're the guy who created the glossy magazine, I don't know have fun with it, it's all a fantasy.......

So they're you have it my guide to going to a strip club, the only problem with this guide is that in reality except for the last two DO NOT'S, all of this goes out the window once the girl is hanging out next to you and the strip club DJ is playing Def Leopard's Pour some Sugar on me, god bless the strip club DJ......the only way for all of this not to happen is just say no and being a guy that's just hard to do.........on that note, the weekend is beginning......have a good one ...........

TP

Atlantic City....

Casinos and resorts are one of my favorite weekend getaways, the nightlife is fun, the hotels are great, and winning a few bucks never hurt anyone, I'm writing today's blog to rant and rave about casinos and the people that are in them, specifically in Atlantic City. Now for those who don't know it Atlantic City(A.C.) is about 90 miles from NYC and is right along the Jersey Shore, so you get some of the best and the worst type of people that come down to these areas. Once you get off the boardwalk you see how seedy A.C. can be as down there can only be described as the 8Th layer of Dante's Inferno, for those of you who have been there you know exactly what I'm talking about.

Now one of my favorite things to do down there is to gamble. The lights, the noises from the slot machines, the colorful chips all suck me in to sitting down taking out a few bills and enjoying myself for an hour or ten. This may seem like a fun experience for a novice, but after many trips down to A.C., Vegas, Foxwoods, etc.. sometimes there are just certain people down there who just ruin the experience of gambling and enjoying yourself and hopefully in the process win a few dollars.

The first guy I want to bring up is the 25 year old Wall St. stockbroker guy, you can easily pick this guy out of a crowd because he's definitely wearing tight jeans, he has way too much hair gel on and he has some sort of stripe color button down shirt, now Wall Street guy may seem harmless he's down there to do some gambling, hit up a club, and maybe score a girl for the night.......all fun options.....the problem lies with the Wall Street guy who's half an eight ball in and every hand seems like the 4th quarter of the Super Bowl and hes the Captain of his team....this guy can get pretty obnoxious when hes hooting and hollering after hitting blackjack and you just busted for the 5th time in a row, also this guy seems to bet way, way over his head. He cashes his paycheck before hitting the Garden State and wants to act big and bet 100$ a hand.......so lets do the math for our young wall st friend..........Paycheck on the 15th =2,500$ - 500$ For the hotel -100$ for the coke- $500 for the club entrance/bottle service- $1000 gambling- 60$ for gas/tolls well Johnny you just spent 90% of your paycheck trying to be big.........anyways enough about Wall Street guy will go right into the Asian black jack dealer........

Now I'm a big believer in karma, vibe, feel, lucky charms, etc......I love when you got a good table going your dealer is friendly, you and him/her are bouncing jokes off each other, and they genuinely feel happy when you win, hell they're one of us........So here you are an hour in up a solid 200 in chips, when my good friend Jose leaves the table and in comes Marie the 5'2" Asian woman who dispenses with cards with lighting speed and takes your chips back even faster, there's no joking around at her table its just deal and take, before you know it you're down 200$ and you have no idea what just happened you're completely blindsided. I have learned after many years of being stomach punched as soon as they call in Mariano from the bullpen to just take my money and run, but there was a few years where I didn't know any better, and I ended up staying longer and I ended up sort of being the first guy minus the eight ball.........

The third person on the list is the lady who plays three slot machines at once, I'm going to call her the Three Time Loser or TTL for short, TTL feels by playing 3 machines at once she can triple her odds, but yet she didnt think about the thought of losing her money 3x's as fast so I digress, anyways god forbid you accidentally put a quarter into one of these slots unbenownst to you that she's playing one of them and you win, there's a 50/50 chance you might get shot for putting money into "TTL'S" machine, I implore all of you to avoid this lady at all costs, I've already been bitched out once before in my life and cheated death, I'm just heeding warning to everyone else.......

The fourth and fifth person on my list have to do with people playing blackjack, the first guy well call "I cant believe you took my ten guy" and the other guy is the "weak link anchor" guy.......The first guy I want to tackle is the most obnoxious human being alive and I came face to face with this guy many times and one time almost got into a fight with this guy that he got me to the point where I actually uttered the words "you got a fucking problem", very not me......Easiest way to spot this guy is usually he has really bad jewelry on, he's in his mid 40's, he's smoking a cigarette, bad toupee, and next to him is some blond woman who's better days are behind her who looks like she's been living on stale beer and Marlboro's for the last 25 years. Anyways this guy feels the need to comment on every move, every play, every time you hit and he busted, the reason is because you took his card, his heckling gets to the point of sheer and utter obnoxiousness. This guy is playing 10$ at a time and he makes you feel that he has his mortgage on the line, on second thought he may actually have it. Now I believe in playing by blackjack rules , E.G. don't hit when the dealer shows a 6 and you have higher than 11, etc.... but with this guy every break that goes against him he feels the need to take it out on you for "stealing his card"....I hate this guy more than anyone else in the world..............onto the 5th guy...

Now as much as I hate the 4th guy, I kind of understand the 4th guy to a point, but I just don't understand the obnoxiousness and general seediness of him, anyways the 5th guy needs a manual, he has absolutely no idea what he's doing and he's the anchor(last guy to play before the dealer goes), here's the guy who splits 5's when the dealers shows a 6 , basically kills the whole ebb and flow of the table nothing is worse when that guy splits his 5's gets two 10's to have 15 on each, and the dealer gets well you know how this works 6, 10, 5, anyone who has ever played blackjack before knows this guy well. I've developed a simple philosophy for this guy, I either try to help him by being nice and courteous and teaching him the finer points or I turn around get up and go to another table and put my money to work there without saying a peep.

Somehow in Atlantic City you get the worst of the worst of these people, I don't know maybe because its the proximity to the NJ shore and NYC that you get them but they are in every casino in the world , just amplified greater down in A.C. . Now granted I may sound angry about all of this and I do have a little bit of all these guys in me, I have just learned over the years how to play the games, I don't know can we make it a constitutionally amended law that people have to learn how to play, before they can play, sort of like a drivers test for your license? Just a thought........on that note Lakers-Celtics on in an hour.....need to get ready.........

TP

My 5 favorite

I've been re-reading a lot of my posts lately and although I love them and have been commented as much, I realize that they haven't been manly enough, I feel like I haven't reached out enough to my male readers. In light of this fact, I decided to do a blog on my 5 favorite female celebrities of all time......now if there's one thing that men will argue about more than sports it's which girl is hotter, and if you create a list where you can argue over this you have a blog....... Now every guys tastes are different so therefore I'm going to drop a list of my 5 favorite with their attributes and cons to each one of them, and I invite all who checks this site out men or woman to feel free to drop their own list of 5 or to argue mine........so without further ado my 5..............

1)1992 KATHY IRELAND

My favorite of all-time, absolutely lived for those SI swimsuit issues when I was 12, this was pre-Internet when seeing girls in bikinis was a huge deal, so I and Kathy instantly fell in love, shes sexy, hot, and cute all rolled into one if that makes sense at all. She has an outstanding body and just beautiful eyes that just draw you to her and on top of that she seems like a normal, all be it ridiculously hot girl next door

Con-- The only con for my favorite was that she starred in Mom and Dad save the world, it might be one of the worst movies of all time, yet somehow enjoyable to watch. It starred Jon Lovitz as emperor of a world of idiots, and had the guy who was the Principal in Ferris Bueller as one of the leading men, just all in all a terrible movie, this is the only mark against Kat.

2) 1993 Tiffani Amber Thiessen

Watching Saved by the Bell made me regret going to an all guys high school, I had no Kelly Kapowski to stare at all day, I mean Miss Grassi was cute, but she was 40 and engaged......anyways who didn't love Tiffani growing up, I still see her like 5 times a week on re-runs and I still get a smile across my face, she had a great body, but just such an amazingly beautiful face that lit up the room, absolutely incredible.....

Cons - A few years later she cut her hair off, put on a few lbs and become a vile bitch on 90210, the innocence of her Bayside High days went out the window, and she just become genuinely evil, which in a weird way I sort of liked.......only con to her though........

3) Pamela Anderson

Ah PARRRRMMMMELLA, how I love thee........Hair yellow as can be, teeth pearly white and according to Borat the a-hole of a 12 yr old boy......that line still kills me to this day!! She's a human barbie doll sprung to life, she protects animals, and she makes homemade videos for everyone to enjoy who doesn't love Parmellllllllla.........

Cons...... The only reason why shes not number 1 , is because there's not enough drugs in CVS to cure her of what she has after years of being defaced by scuzzy rockers such as Tommy Lee......

4) Megan Fox

It was a tough one for me last year watching Transformers, I don't know what I was more excited for when Optimus Prime introduced himself in his robot voice, the kid in me was jumping up and down, or when this beauty was checking under the hood, my god she's incredible!! Her eyes, her body, her everything.......I hope to see a lot more of her in the future

Con-- Tattoos-- not a fan of what she has going on there, I don't know why her sides look like a book cover, it confuses me.......and also she's engaged to Brian Austin Green with looks like her, can she do better than the resident DJ at West Beverly?? big point loss for the pending nuptials.

5) Angelina Jolie

She has those pouty lips, that amazing body, that gorgeous face and she has a heart of gold and has adopted a model U.N., she's part of Hollywood's It power couple right now and did I mention how incredibly gorgeous she is, I mean seriously look at her!!!

Cons--With everything , their are drawbacks I'll bullet point them

1. She made out with her brother, that's a huge no-no
2. She drinks blood
3. She's a home wrecker, splitting up Brad and Jen, and causing every female US Weekly reader to instantly despise her
4. She Jon Voight's daughter, is he not the devil???

These things are significant, but not significant enough to keep her out of the top 5..............

Now this was a tough list and I kept out some girls that I want to list them here in an honorable mention category

Honorable Mention-- Elisha Cuthbert( Jack Bauer's Daughter) Jessica Biel/Alba, Jessica Simpson, Ariel from the Little Mermaid, Jennifer Love Hewitt, The girl from the Ricky Martin video with clear blue eyes, Famke Jansenn, Eva Langoria, Angie Everhart

So there you have it my list, feel free to leave your own comments on your own and arguments on mine.......have a good weekend

TP

When did...............

So the other day I'm on the phone with the critic, the critic is similar to me, he grew up in the same neighborhood as I did, we spent hours playing basketball together when we were younger and we're both reaching our dark side of our 20's, so we are both going through similar changes, the other day were chatting on the phone and hes like T.P. I have a great idea for a blog for you, so as I'm always one to be interested in hearing someone out I ask whats it about?? He's like Tom I noticed I'm starting to change, like I'm doing things now that I never did, and without hesitation I totally felt his pain, after a few minutes we went back and forth and came up with a bunch of questions to try to understand when all of this happened? Trying to pinpoint certain things, trying to figure out how our mindset and our actions are the way they are now. It's hard to explain but the last 10 years of my life I've personally undergone a transformation I feel like allot of things that I used to like, don't do it for me anymore but there are newer, sometimes better things that have replaced it.........now I cant exactly pinpoint when these questions below happened, I just know that they happened and are a daily occurrence in my daily life and I feel that most guys around my age begin to wonder the same thing, so without further ado......here's the list I've come up with......

• When did I start waking up before noon on weekends?
• When did I start leaving the bar before 2am?
• When did hangovers start lasting this long?
• When did I lose my ability to drink 2 days in a row?
• When did getting getting a good meal with friends become better than going out with friends
• When did I realize being in a fraternity wasn't so cool
• When did I enjoy going to Bed Bath and Beyond more than GameStop?
• When did I start drinking wine?
• When did I lose the ability to do shots?
• When did I begin to forget the names of people I graduated college with?
• When did I begin to forget the names and faces of people I graduated high school with?
• When did I stop calling people and started texting?
• When did a Friday night, a movie, and a bottle of wine sound like such a great idea?
• When did steak become my favorite food?
• When did my fantasy football team become my favorite team?
• When did I start reading books?
• When did I start reading the paper from front to back, rather than back to front?
• When did I start to care about politics?
• When did Mad Money with Jim Cramer become must viewing over SportsCenter?
• When did I start watching CNN?
• When did I start watching CNN and enjoying it?
• When did I start watching golf?? and enjoying it??
• When did I start caring about Federal Reserve interest rate policy decisions?
• When did stagflation become interesting to me?
• When did I stop buying Madden? When did I stop playing video games??
• When did I own more dress pants and dress shirts than tshirts and jeans?
• When did suit shopping become more interesting than going to Abercrombie?
• When did I start working out to feel good, as opposed to looking good?
• When did I start to bike ride for fun?
• When did I start liking critically acclaimed movies?
• When did I start reading Barrons/Wall Street Journal rather than the Post and the News
• When did finding a Metro on the Path the best part of my day
• When did finding a Daily News on the PATH the best part of my week?
• When did the Simpsons become unfunny?
• When did I start to really enjoy current events/political humor?
• When did I notice a girls eyes before a girls chest
• When the hell did I start blogging????
• When did I go from being a boy in a suit to a man in the suit?

After going back and forth thinking about these questions I still can't pinpoint when it happened, I know it wasn't overnight....... I know that I'm definitely getting older, I wonder if I'm slowly turning into my father??? EEEK..... scary thought......but the more I think about it the more I realize that I'm my own person and I'm slowly evolving from a boy to a man.......now I realize my last 5 or so columns have been on a more humorous level, I felt like mixing this one up to show my more serious side. Anyways with all that said and written I'm going back to Lakers-Celtics, basketball something I know that Ill never change....

People who wield way too much power Part I

I was on line at a deli the other day and I was the watching guy make me my sandwich and it got me thinking this kid determines the fate of my sandwich, he could make it so my sandwich is nice and thick with plenty of turkey, ham , and swiss on it or he could make it a Subway sandwich you know that type basically bread and no cold cuts. So while pondering the amount of power that this kid had over my lunch, it got me thinking about the different types of people who just have way too much power in different aspects of anything I do in my life. I actually remembered Bill Simmons of ESPN.com had a little mention on his site about people who just wield too much power. So I began to make a list of these type of people, the ones who think they are better and live life much like Eric Cartman's famous words in South Park "Respect my Authorityyy", these people just have way too much power for their own good and our own good.......so without further ado, here's the first batch of people...........

Radio DJ

The first guy on my list is none other than your local radio DJ guy, this guys power is that he controls everything you listen to. His first strike in life against him is that he's not good looking enough to be on TV, so he feels the need to exert his authority on the general public by either playing the same song over and over again, an example of this is Z100 playing Ace of Base's the Sign every time I turned on the radio 15 years ago or if you're listening to talk radio they like to state their own opinion and refuse to agree to any of their callers opinion who call up offering different viewpoints, think Mike and the Mad dog. These people just have way too much power over our airwaves, this is probably why the IPOD might be one of the top 100 inventions over the last 100 years so we don't have to listen to these bobble heads rattle on and on or having to listen to their music play list...........

Astronomers

The next group on my list are none other than astronomers. The only reason I have them on this list is these group of people got together one day and just said Pluto was not a planet!! Seriously who gave them this much power? One of my favorite Disney characters is named after this planet! How can they just go ahead and say its not a planet, these people have way too much power for their own good! Whats next are they going to change the name of Mercury? What about Mars?.....

Receipt Checker

The third guy on my list is the receipt checker at Best Buy/K-Mart/Costco etc......I truly believe we all hate this guy. Nothing is worse than buying a DVD, spending my hard earn money on it, and then having to spend 5 minutes trying to figure out where the hell I put my receipt because Super Cop wont let me leave the store with my copy of Weekend at Bernie's without one. I mean not to sound obnoxious but my time is precious, do I have to waste it showing this guy my receipt? This guy has way to much power, his power is the ability to waste my time and he wields it with the best of them.

High School Dean

The next guy on my list is none other than the High School Dean. First off a little side note when I was looking for pictures in Google images for a high school dean this guy just happens to look like a high school dean if I was casting him in a movie as a high school dean. Now back to this guy and his power. Granted its been over 10 years since I went to high school (eek), but I remember this guy more than most teachers because he had the power to hand out detentions because of such things as I was unshaven or my shirt wasn't tucked in properly. His power was to keep us after school on a 70 degree day when all my friends were playing basketball in the park. Now usually most deans have some sort of police background and instead of busting perps they now have to deal with teenagers and they are bored off their mind, so what do they do for action now break out the detention slips and give them out like candy on Halloween. We have definitely given this group of people way way too much power!

The Bartender

Picture this scenario it's Saturday night you're out at a packed bar, you strike up a conversation with some cute blonde next to you and offer her a drink she agrees, you feel some sort of chemistry between the two of you and getting her that first drink is the icebreaker. Now what happens, you go up to the bar sort of half talking to her, half eye-balling the bartender for a drink and you wait and wait and wait, and after ten minutes she just loses interest youre one shot in getting this girl is ruined, because it took to long to get a Martini. Now granted I know its busy but the bartender just has way too much power over so many situations and his ability to wield that power is amazing. He has the ability to get me drunk, he has the ability to ignore me and make me wait Foooooooooooorrrrrrever.....he has the ability to get me and my new potential friend a drink quickly which could lead to who knows what. I wonder sometimes if he or she is even aware of the power that is bestowed on them. Some I believe are ignorant of it, but others I believe are well aware of their power and if their a guy bartender they will always cater to the girl with the way too tight shirt on and the way too big chest(amazes how they work hand in hand). This bartender wields his power perfectly because if he plays his cards right he might be able to bring home that girl with the way too tight shirt on and I'll still be standing there with a $20 bill in my hand trying to remember the blonde girl's name and the drink she ordered while attempting to listening to what she has to say if she's even still there.

Stewardess

The next person and last for today's blog is the Stewardess, or to be politically correct the Flight Attendant. Once you hit 20,000 feet you're under their power and no one wields it quite like them, think of the scene in Meet the Parents here http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LgkvIbsJrD0 ........... Is there anything worse than having them exert their power by telling you to move your seats back and to put your tray tables in an upright position? How about buckling you're safety belt? Is that really going to help if we crash?? The Stewardess is the policeman of the sky and they feel the next to express their authority at all times, not only do they have the whole cop role, they're also the bartenders of the skies also and have that power on you also, they have the ability to give you that extra bag of cookies or you're waiting on them for a drink, they have the power to hurry up or take their sweet time............On that note its 5ish, it's Friday I have to go enjoy my weekend be back with Part II later on this weekend

TP

People who need a hug part II

People who need a hug part II

I had a previous column which I gave views on a few different people who I feel pretty much just needed to be sat down to have a heart to heart with me for 5 minutes and maybe a hug just to be put in the right place and frame of mind, well I've been pondering the last few days and I have come up with a fresh batch of people I feel also needs some guidance and some love, so without further ado..............














My First person who needs a hug is the out of control sports fan, everyone knows this guy, the guy who lives and dies from point to point, run to run, etc...... This guy goes to the game and paints his body green and silver in 20 degree weather thinking that doing that will give his team some sort of advantage, he'll be on his 15th beer by halftime and he'll be screaming obscenities in all different directions. I dedicate this first person to my buddy dopey as this guy has caused him to hate sports and that's downright sad, see I love sports , it is a major part of my life. Some of my best memories in life have to do with my favorite teams, and yes I have painted my face, but I realized at around the age of 20, there's just more to be than the out of control sports fan..... that being a fan and memorizing every NBA draft for the last 10 years is good enough for me......

















The next Person on my list is none other than Tom Cruise.....he was Top Gun, he was born on the 4th of July, now hes just down right crazy and on top of that he stole Katie Holmes from me , impregnated her, brainwashed her and I believe right now she's hidden in a dungeon some where in Beverly Hills, I'm not sure of it but I have a hunch. What happened to this guy that would lead him to say things such as "Some people, well, if they don't like Scientology, well, then, fuck you. Really. Fuck you. Period." and this youtube link says it best http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UFBZ_uAbxS0 ........it amazes me how crazy hes become, I really feel that he just needs a group hug from many people, and maybe while he's distracted I can get someone to help Katie escape and we can live happily ever after.........















My third guy here is not a celebrity, its the angry cop......this guy is usually the ex jock in high school, life hasn't been good for officer Joe since he scored 4 td's in one game, and he's out for revenge. This youtube click is the best example I can think of to make a joke out of the my third guy......... http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8BQUnyVsg_Q .......This officer is in serious need to hug it out....

























The next person on my list is none other than Miley Cyrus, now I know she hasn't done anything wrong yet, but I cant help but feeling that between the lure of the Hollywood night life and the fact that her father is the guy behind the achy, breaky heart song that might have destroyed all weddings in the early 90's, I cant help but feel that sitting miley down now is a preemptive strike on what lies in her future, I feel like if I can fly out to Hollywood and have a few words with her maybe she can make it to 30 in one piece without having to suffer the same fates of the Lindsey's and Brittney's of the world.......I'm just looking to save these people one person at a time













This guy is my token east village neighbor, the gothic guy and I'm combining him with the rocker guy. Everyday for this guy is Halloween. He loves to dress up in the most exorbitant outfit possible just to get a shock value from the people walking by. Now I necessarily don't know why these people dress this way, but I would love to find out. I wonder if they were loved enough or maybe they're big Marilyn Manson fans, I dont know but my questions are endless.....I just cant get it for the life of me why the need to be so dark and brooding...Just feel like these kids need interventions.........















The next guy is the VIP Club Bouncer......we all hate this guy, hes big, he has a shaved head, a goatee, and a guest list. If you re not on the guest list be prepared to wait to get in. Nothing is more of a downer than trying to have a good time on a Saturday night in the city until you run into this guy....This guy just has way too much power(which is a whole column I'm thinking up) and he wields it with the best of them, there is nothing more frustrating than your Saturday night being ruined by this guy......Fuck him, I don't even want to talk to him ......






The final guy on this list of people who just need a hug is your office IT guy, SNL used to have a great skit on it back in the day.....nothing and I repeat nothing is more frustrating interrupting these guys from a game of dungeons and dragons because your computer doesn't work and you hear the famous words did you restart your computer? Nothing makes my blood boil more than hearing that.
After further review though, I do have some sympathy with the tech geek, not because I'm writing this column but because if I had to type in code all day which looks something like this 010101010111001010101, I think I would want a pat on the back and need maybe a hug, these people deal with the most tedious frustrating things and are on the verge of just shooting up the office at any moment. So before they do that maybe I can talk to them, come to some sort of understanding between I.T. and the rest of the office, so we can be one page.........

Well there you have it just some random people who need to be sat down and talked with, possibly an Ari Gold hug it out moment needs to happen in order to set these people straight...........


T.P.

Things I believe should be constitutionally amended laws

As time goes by and the more life experiences that I have lived the more I wish I had the ability to change certain things, wish I had the ability to change certain things such as getting rid of the penny, things that I believe are so common sense to the lay man that it should be changed in the constitution or a new law should be written up in order to create these changes, below is a list of items that I feel congress needs to look at

1) Lower the drinking age- This is just such a given its ridiculous, we are such an ass backward country that we will send our 18 yr old kids to war, allow them to vote, marry, have a family, and be able to drive.....but yet having a beer is illegal, its just such common sense its frustrating, this is a link of how this law went into play http://www.youthrights.org/legana.php. Now it may seem I'm one sided on this issue, I believe in being smart about it, have certain restrictions such as if you get caught with even one drink in your system and driving a car you should lose your licence for a while, etc. etc.... This is just one thing that s just completely ass backwards and a law should be amended to lower the drinking age..........................now onto some more comical humorous issues.........

2) Forcing NYC cab drivers to shower- This should be right up there with the right to bear arms, I was in a cab that smelled so bad the other day, I had to get out halfway to my destination, it reminded me of the Seinfeld episode with the Valet with the bad B.O., cant Congress do something so these drivers are forced to at least own a bar of soap? Is that too much to ask? Can there be penalties attached if they don't comply, I don't know maybe a dunk in the East River.......and while I'm ranting about cab drivers, can we restrict their cell phone use with their bluetooths, I may be nitpicking here, but when the guys misses my block I feel like maybe that my driver wasn't paying attention to me instead he was talking to someone 3,000 miles away.

3-- Universal Rules for Asshole - Asshole might be my favorite drinking game of all time, but no matter where I go and who I've played with I feel that their are always different rules, some cities I played in play with rules the Vice Asshole gives the VP a card, some they don't, others 3's are the best card, other people play with 3 is the worst, Some people have Jump in socials that clear the pile, other don't and so on.....Is it too much to ask that we have a vote on it and a law passed with clear defining rules on how to play one of my favorite past times......

4) AIM Lingo- This is a personal pet peeve of mine, can there be a rule outlawing the use of LOL, OMG, or the use of Smiley faces......can we take the Internet away from people who overuse these acronyms?? I occasionally drop the LOL or OMG but not often, I had a convo the other day for 15 minutes and the other person used LOL maybe 20 times.....I mean I know I'm a pretty funny guy, but seriously I cant be that funny that you're literally laughing out loud. A friend of mine said it best, LOL is used when there's really nothing else to say, it s the fake laugh you get at a bar when you're trying to pick up a girl and shes looking over you're shoulder, its small talk that goes nowhere and can be very frustrating for the person on the receiving end of a pity LOL.....it just doesn't get much worse than that and I feel congress should convene and put some sort of bill in place to outlaw bad AOL lingo.

So there you have it a rough draft of a few things if I ever get voted into the White House that I would look to Congress to implement these rules