the DO NOT'S of going to a strip club

In my last blog I touched on a seedy, vice laden subject known as Atlantic City, so I figured I use this post to talk about strip clubs and what NOT TO do in them. Now like I said in the last column, I've gotten to the point where I have had many experiences, I've done the night out with clients at the strip club, I've done the it's Saturday night we're a bunch of losers lets pay to see surgically altered breasts sway from side to side because we have no other options, I've done the bachelor parties were I've been told I look like Ben Affleck, those who know me know that definitely is not the case. So needless to say at 28(29 in August) I have had some experience in this area of nightlife.....Now by no means do I consider myself an expert, truth is I haven't been to one of these places in many, many, moons, but I feel like Ive learned a thing or two and maybe I can impart some of my wisdom onto some of my younger male readers........so without further ado, here's a little list of DO NOT'S in a strip club..........

My First DO NOT's have to deal in regards to financial matters, I've learned after many years that nothing, I repeat nothing is worse than waking up the next morning, or could even be as early as that night and coming to the realization that you just wasted a whole lot of money on some stripper named Mercedes....So here are some quick hit DO NOT's when it comes to a strip club, DO NOT bring out more than $500, DO NOT bring in your ATM card, bringing your ATM card can only lead you to being weak and taking out more money, bad idea, and its an even worse idea when you have to pay a $10 fee on every $100 taken out, its amazing how desperate we can become when there's a scantily clad lady standing next to you, here's an important one DO NOT drop the company's payroll in a strip club, nothing is worse than trying to explain to your bosses how you dropped $100,000 in Scores, not only does it show that you're weak with money, but you're also pretty pathetic(I believe this actually happened to some guy), and last but not least DO NOT buy stripper bucks with your credit card, its just another way for them to rip you off...............

For my second DO NOT is do not fall in love, it's so sad to see this happen to some loser, he goes to a strip club and really believes Mandy, the tall, well endowed brunette is digging him because she called him sweetie after he tipped her 20$, men we must realize this is a fantasy and to act accordingly(explanation forthcoming), now it has happened to all of us, at some point we actually believed that our talented dancing friend has some interest in us, until some guy with a larger wallet two seats over gets her attention and then our hopes and our dreams are crushed of marrying Mandy, moving into a house with a white picket fence and having little stripper kids are dashed, but I digress, there's about a .01 % chance of getting lucky, it does happen every now and again were a guy gets lucky and gets a number or more, but those events are few and far in between, so to reiterate do not fall in love!!

My third DO NOT is do not sit next to the stage, this is just a sucker area, be prepared to hand out many dollar bills, for some reason us guys feel that these seats are like sitting behind home plate at a Yankee game but you live and you learn making it rain is only cool for about a minute and then you're broke again!!

My fourth DO NOT is do not pick up your cell phone in a club, you're already with your other loser buddies trying to catch a cheap thrill, keep it in your own little circle, no need to let anyone else know that you have to pay to see breasts, ALL PHONES OFF!!

My fifth DO NOT is geared to the married/lives with his girlfriend man, do not forget to wash off the bad perfume and glitter off your clothes/body, this rule comes in big when you're significant other thinks your at choir practice for the night. One thing I figured out is that women have a sixth sense when other woman have been around their man, a matter of fact I had a former girlfriend point out exactly who I had hooked up with around a group of friends the next day because she dreamt it, I'm telling you they know ALL when it comes to crap like that, so make sure before you come home to do a quick check, maybe stop out for some smelly food to mask the smell and make sure you check for glitter, this is big to avoid all potential arguments over why you don't feel she's attractive enough.......moving on.......

My sixth DO NOT is do not use your real name, now in an earlier paragraph I stated to act accordingly, do so, remember this is a fantasy, she's really not that into you, her name really isn't Misty, it's Helen so play along with it. If Misty says "so what's your name?" Don't reply back with a Harry, Mike, or Tom be creative tell them your name is Maximus or Sonic, I don't know make some shit up, if they aren't going to make up theirs why tell them yours.

My seventh and final DO NOT has to do with your profession. Now this is my favorite past time in a strip club, it's when Misty is asking me what I do, I love to just come up with the most creative job possible, because nothing is worse than trying to explain what I do to a girl in a way too tight dress......So I urge all of you do not tell them you're an accountant , do not say you're a Math Teacher, make shit up........examples I can give you are tell them you Invented the Tic-Tac, tell them you teach retarded dolphins how to swim, or tell them you're the guy who created the glossy magazine, I don't know have fun with it, it's all a fantasy.......

So they're you have it my guide to going to a strip club, the only problem with this guide is that in reality except for the last two DO NOT'S, all of this goes out the window once the girl is hanging out next to you and the strip club DJ is playing Def Leopard's Pour some Sugar on me, god bless the strip club DJ......the only way for all of this not to happen is just say no and being a guy that's just hard to do.........on that note, the weekend is beginning......have a good one ...........

TP